Being alone in the modern world

Being alone with one’s thoughts is terrifying. Go figure! Moreover, I am quite sure that very few people in our ‘civilised’ society have actually, done that. To genuinely be alone with oneself is more or less a causa perduta — the Kobayashi Maru of modern-day life. In between the TV, internet’s vast pigwash of information and even the tunes we so fiercely listen to, volume on max, (in the tube, bus, train, or simply when walking on the street and running in the park): we’re obsessed, perhaps without even realising, with tuning out the world and stay in our own little bubble. Yet, somehow that only drives us further away from our brains. Our inner voice has become but a whisper in a sea of noises. A world so loud and grand has made us detached and self-centred, separated from our surroundings and, by extension, from ourselves.

Now, I know life is tough, and so many things we subconsciously strive to run away from surround us:

The homeless, scattered around the streets, always asking something of you–words often left unheard, lost in all the noise.

The rude people pushing you and telling you to move over on the tube, desperate to get “there” on time (’cause if you’re on time you’re late and when you’re early, you’re on time….right!)

The annoying individuals who either talk loudly on their phones, annoying the hell out of us that we turn the volume up yet again.

Nowadays, I often hear the line — I hate people. I like individuals, but I hate people… What amazes me is that somehow we fail to realise we are the people. We are rude to someone else, we are annoying to someone else, our words and laughter are white noise to someone else. We have somehow managed to seemingly separate ourselves from our society. In practice, we just don’t realise that we, in fact, hate ourselves. More interestingly than that, it would appear that we hate something we hardly know. For some reason, being detached in a world full of people helps us stay part of society and, simultaneously, hate that society. What a pickle …

Now, I am not here to tell you I’m different. I do all those things mentioned above. Yet I was forced to stay completely alone with my thoughts for just a day. Amazingly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to endure in recent years. That statement alone, considering the amount of shit and suffering in the world, saddens me beyond belief.

So, what happened was that my internet stopped working at home…Hah, these are the opening words of a 21st-century horror story, to be sure! Yet, that is how this story begins. Without the usual ways to distract myself, I began to become restless. Here, I should interject and explain something important. I have always considered myself a loner, a bit on the melancholic side, not at all into crowds, bars and parties. I have a selected group of friends that I love spending time with and love talking to. Other than that, I love reading (and writing obviously) and I thought this must mean I am comfortable being alone with my thoughts. And I suppose that’s usually the case. I read on the train; I read before I go to bed, I also have a dog that provides an excuse to walk a lot, usually alone surrounded by silence. So, perhaps what happened was just being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong state of mind. Yet, upon realising I was cut off from the outside world, I all but panicked. I tried fixing it myself, obviously unsuccessful. I realised I cannot go on instagram, read an article online, google someone or even check the weather forecast… Thus, I went out with my dog, hoping that I would recover some equilibrium during the walk and that, upon returning home, I will discover my problem had fixed itself. By the way, this is a thought people often experience about many issues, but I am sure you already know that painfully well. The problems, so very shockingly, did not fix itself. Hence, I had to face the facts. I was restless, anxious and annoyed. I was left alone with the voices in my head. That is around the same time panic started creeping in. What if something happened in the world while I was in my blackout — I wouldn’t find out about it! And around this moment another thought entered my mind: for a person who claimed to be OK by herself, I sure didn’t take it very well when I was cut off from the world and the people I claimed to hate so much. Could this mean something?

O how on earth should I know?! I am not a shrink, a spiritual leader or a philosopher…. There are no answers in this text, just questions.

Why do we choose to be so negative — to hate, instead of love? Everyone always says: why should I be positive when everyone around me isn’t! Why should I forgive the jerk who bumped into me on the street and hit me in the ribs, because they were staring at their phone? I wish I could provide a ‘why’… Because it feels good to be good? Because positive thinking invokes more positive thinking? Because using the excuse ‘we’re all negative, so why should I bother?’ won’t make things better, but rather continue us along this dangerous path we’re walking on. All valid reasons and all heard a thousand times before.

I suppose I should make some examples of societies that followed this path to self-destruction. Rome started out as a great idea, an empire of prosperity. Then they were corrupted by their own success. The power-games, the excess, degradation of values, the ‘behind the scenes’ destruction of everything bright, the spectacle sport — killing each other for amusement, fucking in public just because we can. Don’t we do the same now even more exposed than before, because we have TV, movies, and the internet — the 21st-century substitute for gladiator games? It’s OK to fuck on TV, it’s not as if it’s real. It’s OK to kill in movies; it’s not as if it’s real. We can do it there, so we don’t have to do it for real. Yet, this behaviour is somehow imprinted in us. Now, talking about sex, drugs, and violence is the new status quo. Kindness, generosity and love have become subjects non grata. It is shameful to be compassionate, charitable and romantic. It is considered that people with these traits are weak; they are a minority that simply cannot survive in this cruel and brutal world. Sadly, this statement is probably true because we made it a reality. People who speak about positive things are often bullied, pointed at with a stern finger or laughed at. It takes courage nowadays to be a decent person because it doesn’t give you an advantage in the western world, as it is today.

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I do not aim for this to sound as a cautionary tale, although I suppose it must sound like it. Furthermore, I am aware that it might bring a wave of bullying, ridicule and even laughter. A different reaction would surprise me. All I am trying to put forward, probably mostly to myself if not for anyone else, is not to repeat history. Kindness should be rewarded! Even if you don’t want to join, at least have the decency to walk away and not bully it. Just walk away and continue walking, listening to your music in your own piece of the world. Leave the kind, generous and romantic people be. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll decide to stop — and listen- even if only for a short moment.